We have all been in some sort of relationship except maybe the elephant man, who couldnt even kiss his pillo without dying. I am far from the elephant man, unless you saw my picture, and I have been in a few relationships. And I have come to the finall realization that we must have sex with our friends, even though it ruins our friendships. If I have a friend who is a girl, and I like her, instead of her saying, "ooh, i dont want to ruin our relationship by...".*BEEP* wrong. There, its already ruined. so just fuck her and move on!  And most girls would probably find this better, because everone wants to hook up, no one cares about friendship or relationships. And if they say they do, there lying. Personally I cant get either, because of the way I was and because of how twisted I have become.  So here I present to you questions about love and sex and the answers. and I finall thought - a plutonic relationship is where one friend is deeply in love with the other, and the other doesnt want to except this or doesnt realize it. This ends with the destruction of the friendship (hopefully after sex) or suicide. oh, wait. sometimes things work out. but then there is divorce. oh and, its always the females who have the upper hand. and thats the way it is. - sam n. home

Dear Sam, My girlfriend always thinks I am going to dump her. I tell her that I won't. A lot of the time we talk about sex but all we do is just play around. I would like to have sex but I don't think we are mature enough to handle it. She is 12 and I am 15. And for the way she acts their is no way in hell that she acts like she is twelve. My question is I think my girlfriend really doesn't love me as much as she says she does. And I want to know when you think the right time for sex is. We've been going out for 7 months.

Dear Petaphile, Number one, your probaly 18 and she is 11, you sick fuck. Anyway, I am going to assume you are 15 and she is 12. Your girlfriend thinks your gonna dump her because she want you to dump her...she is sick of you. And in this day and age, if you havent had meaningless sex by 15, your worthless, so she needs a new man. Whats your definetion of playing around? Playing hop scotch? Duh! She doenst love you. Listen pal, girls dont love you, they make you believe that they do, and if they truly do then they are mentally retarded or are from europe. Finally the time for sex is now (just introduce yourself to Mr.Righty).

Dear Sam, I know love as I have physical manifestations of it daily -- my arms prickle, eyes water, and heart backflips within my chest. I LOVE this wonderful person! My question is: "How can I illustrate my overwhelmingly intense feelings for this woman??" I buy her flowers all the time, I write many poems for her (and they are pretty good I might add), and I have composed and recorded a piano ballad for her onto a CD. I even stayed up late, snuck over to her apartment complex, and drew a mural of us enjoying mutual activities on the courtyard ground with sidewalk chalk! DO YOU HAVE ANY MORE IDEAS like these? Please help! I will do anything for this girl! THANK YOU!

Dear Idiot First off your physical manifestations are symptoms of severe brain damage , or possible some degenerative brain syndrome. Actually it sounds like your having a heart attack. The best way to show her how much you love her is to write a poem to her on reed paper using your own blood, paint a portrait of her using your own feces, and carve her name into your face. Your lucky she didnt shoot you when you snuck over to her apartment complex..damn! this girl hates you! Thats why she is fooling you into falling in love with her. Basically you should cover her door with pig intestine, and write, "its over" in pig vein. Then you will have the last word!

Dear Sam, I have just started dating a wonderful girl. She stated to begin with, that she would be dating other people. I said OK. Now she is dating me and one other person. I know that she likes me but how should I handle this? Should I still be around her when she is with this other guy. How do I keep her interested in me?

Dear Fuck Toy, Dating other people? Really. This is the ninetys man. Dating several people went out of style like snap on bracelets (which your girlfriend probably wears). No one "dates". Thats like seeing people to see if their the right person to fuck. Now you fuck all these people to find out which one you want to get to know, in which case the female will promptly break up with you, stating, "I just want to be friends". Unless you have money, in which case you will be married, and she will abstain from sex while mocking you in public. Now, heres what you should do. If she is a good fuck then stick around (if you dont mind paying allomony for the several children she has, and paying for your AZT and assorted medicines). Otherwise you better stay clear of this girl who bounces up and down more than an elevator.

Dear Sam, I'm writing to you because I don't know that the hell else to do. I'm a 27 year old single guy dealing with a lot of anger. The source of my anger is due to the fact that I'm not married, not in a relationship, and still a virgin. Compounding this is the fact that none of my friends are virgins and all have or have had meaningful relationships. I never had. I have tried to meet women like crazy, but always wind up getting jerked around in one way or another (the last woman I went out with went back to her "ex" and left me out in the cold). Like the guy in one of your previous letters, I'm a nice guy, but I always seem to end up with nothing. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!! I am close to contemplating suicide, especially if I haven't found anyone by the end of the year. How in God's name can I find someone? Please help me. I'm desperate for an answer.

Dear Horribly Old Person, First off dont worry, most 27 year old guys are virgins, who have never been in a meaningfull relationship. Basically I think you should stop looking for girls, because they are incredibly attracted to 27 year old, depressed virgins who dont have a clue as to have a real relationship. Nice guy huh? Hmm. Listen, life is not a movie, everyone lies, good guys lose and love does not concur all. Basically, if you reach 28 and your still a virgin, go to Nebraska and get a legal prostitute. Then just after doing it, find a real love, who finds about your dirty past and dumps you plummeting you into the deepest depression of your life, where you find god and become a priest. At which point you become attracted to little boys. N'uff said.

Dear Sam, I fell for this girl the second time I saw her. I had been thinking of her everyday, but after a few weeks I found out that she is in a relationship. But I just can't give her up... help? Signed, Chris

Kill her, and her boyfriend. Then shoot yourself, only to mutilate your face into a large flap of skin, and you will spend the rest of your life in jail. And dont worry, with a face like that, no one will rape you. Hows that sound huh? Bad. Okay then. Relationships mean nothing to girls! Forget her boyfriend, just go after to her. Just tell here you find her attractive and want to have sex. Thats all. Girls love it when you say that. Have meaningless sex with her and doing it again. Just make sure you can beat up her boyfriend, or run really fast.